The monkey's gone mad

What the heck! This is a monkey house and I feel I am entittled to a certain amount of misbehaviour. I want to act crazy. Nobody reads this anyway.
I am fed up with people and life and I think nobody cares about me. Of course, a part of me wants to believe that's not true, my children need me and who else? Do they need me at work? In a way, it would cause a few problems if I suddenly disappeared but everyone can be replaced, it wouldn't be long before somebody would take up my job. I am tired of it anyway.
Let's see who else. I don't really have friends, that's what you get for having a job and a family, no time for social relations. Nobody with compatible timetables or similar interests. Everything is bloody superfcial. Hello, goodbye, how are the children doing?, you look good today, yes but I feel awfully tired.
I turn to God but I don't know what He expects from or what He wants. I am supposed to love Him more than anything but I don't always feel that way. And then, where's the truth? My husband thinks we should keep the traditions and so we attend the Tridentine Mass. I grew up with the new Mass and don't seem to find it so faulty. Both parties critizise each other and I don't know what to think. The other day in the sermon they reminded us of the proper attires for attending Mass. Here we go again. They assume that women must be at home and dress accodingly: skirts (no trousers), mantillas, modesty. I don't think so, I might work skirts and I don't like showing flesh but the mantilla, just because I might disturb men. Too bad. It just makes me rebellious. And I couldn't stay at home. No, after so many years of working. Hey! that way I would have more time for writing...and no money. If it wasn't for my job...
Even so, I did it for a while in America, and didn't enjoy it that much. I was happy to go back to work. You can feel so trapped depending only on your husband. I sometimes liked my work, many times feel tired of it. I feel that I doing way more than I should, but I just cannot make myself worth. I say yes and do it. Besides I hate all the class comradeship of the high ranks, they all know each other, they help each other and they pretend to be your friends while you pleased and do their job. I wish I wasn't here now. I regret the last few months and I wish I could erased them from my mind. Life is shit, utter misery. If only could I have become a lighthouse keeper... It's so much better to be alone for real that to feel alone surrounded by people. I hate human relations, always insincere, I never learn how to read people's behaviour, I feel soooo stupid, I trust people and then feel betrayed, probably expect too much.
I remenber a song: "you get what you give". Maybe I think I give a lot and I don't and that's the problem.
I'm so stupidly enthusiactic. I am tired of waiting. I just want to be alone, not to see anybody ever again, not to care about anybody or anything. To hell with everything, with bad excuses, with half truths or superficial banter.
Just books and music and the sea and the wind and the clouds. You can trust them, and if not then it's the end of the world. So much the better.
I want to give up hope. What's out there left for me? What prospects do I have? I am becoming too old for many things. I'll be too old when, and if, I manage to finish a university degree, and what for? Just to prove myself that I could do it? That I am not more stupid that the rest of the world?. My children will grow and live their own lives, so it should be, and I'll taking care of my husband, who is too worried about himself to care for anybody else. And writing, writing is nothing, just a way of letting out steam, pointless, fruitless steam.
There it is, all out...for now.